Friday, July 15, 2016

A Feeling Too Well Known

I've written things that come from the heart . . . but there are parts of my heart that hold things I have not yet written about. I think we all carry different worries upon our shoulders and walk with different monsters tracing our footsteps. Anxiety has always been my biggest monster among my monsters. Lately it has been walking ahead of me. The roles are suddenly reversed in that know it is me that is tracing in its footsteps. It is hard to escape it because it knows exactly where to step next, it knows me. It is one thing to fear your monsters and another to be at the point in which you are friends with them; casually greeting them as they walk through the door of your mind every day. 

Not every day is the same. Not every day is bad. I often shut myself out when it comes to talking about my monster because I feel like anxiety disorders are still thought of as a mystery. Like they can't be real and if they are then why? There must be a reason for why . . . I wish, I wish I could have a reason for it. I wish I could say I have anxiety because of this, that this made up thing was the sole reason and that was that. But I don't. I guess you could say school, work, and the combo of just life in general all make up for it but there is no one true reason. It is frustrating to the point of tears. Tears come and go when they please, anxiety attacks are the worst. Lately this has been me. It is like when you are drowning and you panic; panicking will only make it worse, in fact it is a certain death. I try to tell myself to not panic, to not give in, but in truth the feelings I experience scare me and I give in. Although this is me right now; I know that I cannot get worse. I guess once you have reached a certain low you are determined to never again revisit those conditions again. At least that is how I keep myself out of those dark places and those low lows. 

Not everyday is the same. Besides the obvious every day is a good day. I learn a lot about myself. I learn how to cope, I learn how think positive, I learn how to keep going. If it weren't for the people around me I would loose my mind. I think it is important to have a safe place from your monsters no matter what they are. Build an environment in which you are safe. Build it, nurture it, let people that help you in. Don't deny yourself the right to fix yourself . . . just because you find yourself in difficult circumstances that seem like a dead end doesn't mean there is no way out. Your mind is as vast and as endless as you allow it to be. I have learned a lot and I have yet a lot to learn and every day is a new opportunity for that. A new day is a new opportunity for a good day. 

By throwing all of this out into the world I feel lighter. I feel like all I've just said is no longer brewing inside. I hope this has helped in better ways than none. If you are feeling this way . . . just know there is no monster you cannot take one, yes they may have the upper hand at times but you will always hold the reins. 

"What matters most is how well you walk through the fire." 
- Charles Bukowski 

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